It has been almost three months since the shootings on campus, and I still havent even began to deal with it. I still remember everything that happened that morning… I had woke up to the sound of people shouting, and to sirens everywhere. I look outside my window only to see a police officer with a gun yelling at people to get inside. It was around 815…. I quickly climbed down out of my loft on the 7th floor of West AJ to check my e-mail, “someone had been shot with in my dorm, police are on the scene” and nothing more. At that moment I did not know what to think, i was so scared. I tried to get in contact with my ex boyfriend/ best friend but he was not responding. He lives in charlottesville and though we are not together, I still love him, just in a different way as before. I know he feels the same way about me, and i still use him as my security blanket. He makes me feel safe in a place where I dont feel comfortable. However i could not get in touch with him. Next was my mother. I called her and told her that i was ok. It sounds horrible to say, but i thought i would be ok staying on campus with just 9 people killed. but then the number started to increase and my degree of comfortable-ness, if thats even a word, began to shrink. My ex/ best friend came and got me that evening and I went home on the 16th. My mother and I decided that I should go back early to try and get resituated in a silent dorm. I walked in the friday after only to come home to caution tape everywhere, and nothing but silence. that night it wasnt the fact that one of my friends, ryan, had died, but the silence and the eerie feeling that came with staying in the building. I had to leave as soon as i could. a lot of my friends do not understand y i didnt stay with people who were going thru the same thing i was, but i just could not shake the feeling of the silence even when around people. the place that i had called my home had been violated and i didnt not feel comfortable there anylonger….. even now i have to stop talking because i am getting too upset to type nelonger. Y it is so hard to deal with i will never understand. i still have nightmares, and i need to start getting some sort of closure, but i dont know if it will ever come. I miss the safety of my school, i miss the joy of my freshman year of college. I just dont know how to get that feeling back, but im not going to go to a different school to find out. I cannot leave my home, and one day i will fnd out y…
